WhyTheThanksgivingWrath?YouDoTheMathLikeJen Pt. 431

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surprise for the kids so I'm not going to um put any of that out just yet but I since it's pretty I thought I'd sit here
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and talk to you for a second I'm going to um hide that but it's just it's so cool that that came today so I'm glad I
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could show it to you by the way the chocolate is also like fan freaking tastic so it's not like just for show
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it's actually really delicious too so I've been thinking a lot about
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what to share what's appropriate to share honestly I mean I've alluded to this several times now I've just just
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not been feeling Thanksgiving at all this year to be honest I haven't been feeling it um since uh 2015 was the last
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one that I hosted in the old way and that's when I
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stopped really enjoying hosting Thanksgiving and
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the holiday in general um I was 8 and a half months pregnant with my daughter
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and I still threw the whole thing basically singlehandedly of course some
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there was some help here and there but that's my that was my insistence like I just always wanted my family to be
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catered to and for them to enjoy and to have everything taken care of and I
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wanted to give that to them I did it for 10 years and it was my joy to do it
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and then I thought well I'm going to have a baby and things will be different
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and somebody else will take the rains while I'm in this like with a couple of for you know my couple of babies and
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nobody wanted to pick up those R and became very clear that that
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was still supposed to be my place in the family was to do that um
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and I didn't because I mean I think I even did a little bit I don't honestly you guys I
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kind of blocked it all out and then I got divorced you know and and family Dynamics have changed and it's just it's
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it's really complicated family stuff is so hard to navigate on a normal day but around
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holidays it just feels extra tender um not only do I feel like I have
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to handle everything and that's expected of me because I again made those I like
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paved that path for myself I will say that as I grow older I see see more and more clearly how that isn't something I
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was born with this innate I must handle everything myself and never have any
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needs of my own that was definitely imprinted on me as a child culturally
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and otherwise um it just was and I think it was for
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many many women um of my generation even still probably this generation but
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definitely Generations previous to that as well um so there's like a
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larger conversation there I'm not going to get into today
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about you know some of my favorite soapbox topics and we and I just won't do that cuz honestly I just don't have
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the energy for it but I see now as I'm in my 40s I'm seeing more and more how
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much of that is dictated way out of the control of any of the people actually
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who were my formative life people so you know like um
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anyway I think I think the main aside and also on the other end of things is
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just like the holiday itself lost all its luster for me when in after my
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school years cuz when I was in school in like the '90s and early 2000s we still
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didn't talk a lot about actual truthful native history and I'm
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not sure they they do I think we're still in a transitional phase of owning that but at least there's something
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happening I guess I don't know there's just so many there's so many problems with the holiday honestly I think it
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should be just sponged out and we should just pick a different day and a completely different time of year if we
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want to have like a gratitude holiday and just like make a whole new holiday completely separate from this historical
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one that's just my opinion that I know that will rub a lot of people the wrong way so um I'm not saying we shouldn't
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have it I'm just saying it should be something completely different I think if there's going to be any real healing
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there and it would have to be really really different but again I just like
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I'm not in charge of anything to say anything about that and it's still an important holiday to important people in
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my life and that's why I still participate and why I still now very progressingly host it uh
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I just there's so much expectation and I'm again at this point in my life I'm just
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like kind of claiming things that I never really knew I could claim and I
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don't I just don't want to be in charge of everything anymore and it's not I
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don't like I said there I don't want to lay any blame on my family because I brought this upon myself uh but it has
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continued even through having babies and then getting
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divorced and single parenting through the holidays and it's just the
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expectations are the same and there and and I just I feel I'm trying I'm
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fighting so hard not to feel resentful about it uh but I'm tired I'm tired I
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don't want to do all of the shopping and all of the cooking and all of the cleaning and all of the arranging and
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all of the making people comfortable and all of the parenting as well on top of that all by myself it's not fun there's
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no I there's there's no moment for me to have joy in it and um I don't feel
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resentful toward my people about it but on top of that we're also
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navigating difficult family Dynamics um there tends to be a lot of eming in
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my family I am not a big drinker I really I don't like to drink really at
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all mostly um I do like if I'm on a trip um
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or out with out to dinner with you know not my children or what sometimes even
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on trips I'll get like a glass of wine like on the Disney cruise and stuff I'll get a glass of wine or something with dinner because I'm on vacation that's
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enjoyable but I don't do that most of the time or anytime I don't I don't know you
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guys I don't want to get into the alcohol conversation either I don't know what I'm
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doing let's just say that
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the my family God bless them and I love them so much do not do emotional
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communication well or really at all and that creates a lot of tension between
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certain members and it ends up not being a very enjoyable time at least lately it
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feels like um especially because it's just our family I will say when it was a
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larger gathering with my ex as I of a family too that kind of diffused the situation
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cuz there were other people around right so there's a lot more going on a lot more distraction and you also don't want
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to bring like your own family Dynamics onto display right necessarily so it was
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a different vibe and now that it's not that and it hasn't been that for the past few years it like I really see it
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it's just it's kind of taken the like party away and now it can just feel tense and
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that's not to say that we don't have fun together we do and there's definitely fun times and but there's just also so
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much tension and I just navigating all of that on top
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of feeling like I have to be all the things and do all the things I'm just
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like I don't want to do it and I'm struggling really hard
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because I want to not feel resentful I don't but I I I feel like I could
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definitely like go in that direction as things get intense and I don't I I just want to
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enjoy my people and have them enjoy but I don't know how we get there I don't
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see how we get there um definitely not with things as they are um
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um I don't know does any of this make any sense I just I don't I don't want to
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like yeah I don't want to like I feel like these are very common
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family issues so I'm not trying to like point a finger or anything like I said I love my people and they're all really
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good people but I'm just it's me hi I'm the problem it's me and I'm tired I'm
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tired of just all of it I just I would love a holiday where
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I like actually enjoy myself that's that's difficult to say
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out loud because I also feel very conditioned to never say anything like
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that like I always have to be doing all the things and completely enjoying myself and I did I did
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for a time but I don't anymore and
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and yeah I don't know next year so we also done Don and I alterite which year
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we have the kids for Thanksgiving so obviously they're with me this year which I love it it's the best but it's
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also as another level of challenge for me too cuz there's you know just
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logistically um next year it sounds like we're traveling to my nephew
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I hope I really hope so cuz I don't want to do this
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again um and then the year after that when my kids are back with me I'm like
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am I allowed to just take us to Disney instead I would just I feel like that
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would really hurt people I really really care about even though it's what I would
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really like to do I know it's like a very busy time year to go I just think we'd still manage to have fun
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but and my my family are not they're not Disney people they wouldn't want to go um anyway so and there would just be
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a lot of complaining about how expensive it is and I don't think that makes a trip fun for anybody um so yeah that's
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where I'm at I'm doing the thing because I don't see an
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alternative that benefits the majority but moving forward I am
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seriously considering leaving this holiday behind
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and that might mean that I really have to disappoint people I really care about but I just I I don't want to I don't
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know what what is this you know like what is a holiday if it's not got
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at least a crumb of joy in it I just I don't I don't
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know any any I'm trying to reframe as much as possible I like I showed you I
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purchased all the sides pre-made to try to help myself a little bit there's just
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so many dishes and things to coordinate and the timing of everything
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and doing it all single-handedly and I know my like my brother's great and he will help me
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cook but it's also just like it's
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just yeah I'm trying to find ways to make
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this doable but I know it's going to upset certain people in my family that I
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didn't make from scratch all the things
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and you just can't please everybody anyway I don't mean to be a downer this
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is like I'm like on the verge tear cuz I just feel so bad about it too like I feel
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horrible that I feel this way and I don't want to
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bring this energy to my family so I have they're all coming to town tomorrow
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so I have half like basically the rest of this evening and a little bit of time in
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the morning to turn this around and I've got a lot of stuff to do between now and then I'm going to have to go back to the
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store and do the final errands and stuff in the morning before the kids come
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home and clean clean up the basement I'm going to do all that in the morning what's on the docket for it's 4:30 nowo
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for the rest of the day is I need to put in a couple hours of work luckily I did a lot of work
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yesterday to help myself with probably at least an hour and a half of work and then I
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can rest um and I planned a fun evening for myself I'm going to build a fire and
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put on like a really frivolous holiday movie and eat popcorn for dinner like
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that's and that that's how I'm giving myself this little
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reprieve to try to turn my mood around um cuz I don't I
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don't want to feel these things for I don't want to bring this to people I
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love either and that's a lot of work too is to hide your true
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feelings and I know how much work it is cuz I've spent my whole life doing it
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but we can file that Hunter let's chat about that another time